I will admit, it is always tempting to procrastinate on having conversations with someone who is easily offended when you know that any criticism will be blown out of proportion. There are bound to be people in your life – and on your team, that are “just like that” when it comes to taking criticism or perceived slights that their leaders or coworkers may inadvertently make. Here are some tips for dealing with easily offended employees and how to coach your team in dealing with an easily offended coworker.
The psychology behind people who are easily offended
Have you ever stumbled across a social situation where you believe that you are being reasonable, and the other person has an unexpected reaction where they become offended? Or, tip-toed around another person’s feeling because anything that resembles a critique will set them off and cause them to be offended?
The idea of “offense” is a core concept of impoliteness, but it is much more complex than just being rude. To understand the nuances, consider that the action of being impolite is not necessarily the same thing as being offensive. Yet, using language that can be considered offensive may not always cause offense. Wait what? Let’s break this down this:
- Someone is offended because they consider another person’s actions to be impolite
- You can be considered impolite by one person, but your actions may not be generally regarded as offensive behavior within your culture.
- Offensive behavior or language, may not always draw an offended reaction by someone who is overly sensitive.
It’s all about the context of the conversation and the particular individual. It can be a situation or a word that causes conflict for the individual.
If you do not know a individual well, you may inadvertently stumble in to the impolite zone in their eyes. If you know a person well, an employee for example, you may have some sense of what will cause them to become upset.
Signs that an employee is offended
This is not going to be a laundry list of items – because they are typically quite overt! The silent treatment, sulky behavior met with sarcasm, passive aggressiveness, or accusations that “I’m offended” will lead you to draw the conclusion that a person is offended.
Some of the silent treatment may not be evident right away, but you will notice something is up if they are not their normal self towards you.
Tips for how to deal with easily offended employees
It all comes down to managing expectations when dealing with easily offended employees. If this doesn’t go according to their plan, they feel insulted or slighted by you or their colleagues.
To be clear, this person who is easily offended is not a bad person and not necessarily a bad employee. This person could be a great worker, have great ideas, and generally get along with everyone. But there is a line or topic that people learn are no go zones.
The silent treatment, or holding grudges, secretly empowers them
It’s all about power and the fear of shifting power dynamics with people who are overly sensitive. They are passive aggressive as a way to maintain power and distance because they do not know how to be emotionally vulnerable. These individuals do not know how to have a conversation about their feelings.
So when you have to do a performance review, where there is going to be some criticism, keep it goal oriented and upbeat. Take a bit of extra time to think about your wording for these individuals.
Do not fall into power struggles with these individuals. If their silent treatment does not impact you in the moment, do not rush over to try and patch things up. This emboldens them in the future that their technique worked.
They require your sympathy
If they seem to have extreme feelings towards criticism, understand that this may be a trigger for them where a more significant event happened. For instance, if they experienced some sort of trauma, such as surprising job loss, and every trip in to your office triggers those memories.
Trauma informed care is a healthcare model of understanding that patients come with baggage that may not be easily understood by us,. If a trigger is inadvertently identified, relationship management techniques will need to be used to regain trust.
This same principle can be applied in any work setting. If you sense that an employee tends to get upset when they are sitting one on one in your office, do a walk and talk instead. Have a chat while walking down the hallway with no one else around. They are more likely to receive criticism if they are not threatened by it.
Don’t let them put words in your mouth
When dealing with easily offended employees, it can be tempting to get the confrontation over with as soon as possible. Generally yes, this is a good strategy because clearly, likely neither of you will enjoy a difficult conversation.
You do need to be careful that they do not make accusations in the moment that they will leave with – rather than the message you are trying to convey.
For instance, if you go to speak to an employee because there was a customer complaint due to an error on a calculation. Instead of admitting the mistake, they will jump on, “so you’re saying that I don’t know how to do my job?!”.
This strawman fallacy makes a jump to attack a position that the person does not actually have. It’s a defense mechanism because now you are arguing about what you actually said rather than the mistake itself.
Read more about logical and decision making traps there that both your team and you as a leader can fall prey to.
Do not let them leave the conversation thinking “my boss is a jerk” rather than “I need to double check my work”. But do not turn it in to an argument either. Instead ask calmly, “I’m discussing your slide where there was an error. That is not your entire job. We need to focus on your plan to double check your work instead”.
Do not be a people pleasing manager
Walking on egg shells around this individual is no way to work with them. Be aware of their triggers, but do not let them off the hook because you could inadvertently cause morale issues with the rest of the team.
When dealing with easily offended employees, ensure that you are treating them the same as everyone else. Other people in the office will know that they are a difficult person to work with, and if they do not get corrective actions the same as everyone else, the staff will get frustrated with both of you.
Read more about the dangers of being a people pleasing manager here.
Staff are provided a clear and appropriate message on how they should receive constructive criticism.
Bringing all of these tips together, you are going to deliver a kind, but clear, message. Have direct impact statements and concrete events so they can understand and not argue.
Do not get side tracked off your message with any of their offended comments or inflated accusations. Comments from you such as, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but it’s important that you understand I am focused on a specific problem not you as an individual or your overall work” can help.
How to coach your team in dealing with an easily offended coworker
Unless an easily offended employee’s trigger is authority, the rest of the team will have to deal with the staff member who is easily offended too.
They may need you to step in from time to time to be the one that delivers unwelcome messages, but you will need to give your team tools to handle and work with this employee.
Ask them to consider what they do not know about the person
Our collective values and beliefs are made up from a our life experiences. We have all had different life experiences, and then are asked to work together on a collective goal as work colleagues.
Get the team to realize that not everyone is going to react the same and it will not always be logical to them. When you re-frame someone’s behavior as “wow, they are going through something” rather than how frustrating they are to communicate with, it helps find common ground.
Stay clear of what they know the line is
The staff should recognize where the triggers are and how to approach with caution. For instance, if someone is leading a project and has a hard time having their idea challenged, encourage the staff member to try an inclusive approach. Keep the suggestions positive by including their original idea and expanding on it. “I like what you said about using print media to advertise. Perhaps we should put a QR code on there as well so that we can also spread the word about the event digitally?”
Let them talk, productively, through the problem.
Coach your staff on how to ask the person what is wrong. Some people may be happy to discuss why they are offended.
Ensure that they do not engage in passive aggressive behavior by that individual. “I can see that you are upset by what I said. Could you explain what I said that you did not like?”. If they talk, great, this is easier than stumbling on a trigger over and over until you are certain you know exactly where the line is.
Build trust with the individual
If you develop a good relationship with the individual, trust will be built. This will help provide a buffer for benefit of the doubt so that you can apologize if you offend them and move on.
Dealing with an easily offended employee or coworker is a challenge for everyone involved. Ensure that you are consistent and do not inadvertently lead to a toxic work culture by avoiding conflict because you do not want to cause offense. Just remember, this behavior is rooted in something that you cannot control – but you can control your response and your approach to this individual.