Communication in a leadership role is nuanced. It’s a balancing act between two subtly different leadership communication styles. One of them is being generally agreeable as a leader to keep the peace, but picking the battles where we will push back. The other is to stay agreeable as a leader and being run over by your staff because you will not stand up because you want to people please. This latter is a very dangerous practice. You need to stop undermining your leadership by being a people pleasing Manager.
Your leadership is undermined when you are too focused on people pleasing. In Management, it is our job to keep operations going, not to be everyone’s friend. It’s always nice to be friendly, but boundaries need to exist.
See the article, The Challenge of Making and Keeping Friends as a Manager to see why friendships between a Manager and subordinate are to difficult to navigate.
Why is people pleasing so damaging to your leadership?
At it’s heart, people pleasing is all about the need to be liked and the fear of not being liked. Approval anxiety motivates us to “just make things work” when a simple no is appropriate.
In Management, you will need to make difficult decisions that you know are best for your team. You will have to provide difficult feedback to staff who are not performing well. In leadership, you may need to lay someone off or deny them a week of vacation due to operational need. If you prioritize people pleasing as a Manager, you will not be able to do these necessary tasks.
How can you let go of the fear of not pleasing everyone?
Let go of your approval anxiety
It’s time to look inward and figure out where your approval anxiety, or people pleasing, is coming from. Were you previously part of the team and are now leading it? It’s hard to set boundaries as a Manager with your former peers. It’s probably not just a work related reaction to want to keep everyone happy.
Do you have a need to be liked because you were constantly picked last and you have a desire to be well liked and popular? Are you afraid of letting someone down when they are counting on you, even if there is an alternative where you would not end up going out of your way? A classic scenario would be picking up a friend from the bar when they cannot drive – even when a taxi was a viable option.
When you are faced with a scenario where you will say yes in an effort to please, flip the scenario around. Would you hold it against the other person if they said no to your request?
Of course not. When you think of it from another perspective, it lessens the fear associated with approval anxiety and you can move on from it.
Recognize your value set
Many women are raised to be helpful, so seeking approval is an ingrained habit. We get an initial hit of adrenaline, but when that wears off, we will be eager for another chance to prove just how lovable and nice we are. When you are a Manager, people pleasing adds negatively to a team and it becomes a negative cycle of approval seeking.
The best way to curb the habit of the approval cycle is to be self aware of the positive contributions you make in the community. Your volunteer work would be an amazing example. If you don’t currently do volunteer work, get involved!
By using your value set of being helpful in a positive way in your community, you will feel more fulfilled by being helpful outside of your work environment.
Embrace your self-worth
It’s time to get confident in yourself! Self-affirmations and self-care will boost your confidence. This will lower your desire to seek our affirmations from others and resort to people pleasing as a leader.
If you find yourself getting caught up seeking approval from others with your helpfulness, it’s likely a subconscious pattern.
Next Steps for Growth and Behavioral Team Changes
Set an Action Plan
After years of trying to please people, it will feel strange to learn a different way of communicating.
Start to envision scenarios where you would be asked to give more than you can, or where you will be pushed by your staff to approve. Think about what your reaction will be.
Prepare a script in your head if you are anxious about saying no. Think of responses as to what you will say when you push back. There will be resistance on your team to change. They will not be used to the new you, and will test your new boundaries.
Do not worry about offending anyone by not taking something on. Think of a future where you are only doing your work and not saying yes all the time and taking on more than you can manage or your staff pushing you to something you know is not a good idea. Think of the extra sleep you will get when you don’t lay awake at night nervous of how a bad decision will turn out!
If you are having a difficult time setting boundaries, check out Addressing Team Performance Issues when the Previous Manager Avoided Conflict for great tips for re-aligning a team!
Practice makes perfect
Practice the script in your head. Say it to the mirror, say it to a trusted friend. Have them bush back!
If you practice the scripts in your head on how to say no to your team and draw boundaries, you will be more confident when you are in a position to say it.
Make sure you are very direct in saying no. For instance, instead of creating excuses and dropping hints that you are too busy because you want to be gentle and not offend – just say it!
Accept set-backs and strive for growth
Recognize that this is going to be a difficult process and you may find yourself backsliding from your new self sometimes.
Approval anxiety does not go away overnight and it will take some practice setting new boundaries. When times gets difficult, you may find yourself automatically saying yes in an effort to people please before really thinking it through.
With some practice and getting positive affirmations outside of work, the urge to please will be replaced with self-validation.
Your employees will come to respect the new you and recognize that there are new rules in place that they need to adhere to. Remember, change is difficult, but the only way to fail at changing, is to not try at all.