When you try to give feedback to an employee, is it always someone else’s fault? The employee will always have a reason for their issue, co-workers to point the finger at, or leadership to blame for their poor behavior. This type of employee is a challenge because they are not receptive to feedback and they really push back and get upset at any critiques. It’s essential that they both hear your message and recognize that improvements need to be made. Here is how to give feedback to a defensive employee so that they will listen.
What kind of defensive behavior will the employee exhibit?
Defensive behavior is when an employee detects a threat, like a critique of their work. They will spend a great deal of time and energy (both of yours) defending their actions. Since this is a waste of time for both of you, you will need to develop an action plan to give feedback to a defensive to the employee in a way that they will listen so that you can both move on.
A defensive employee is not necessarily a bad employee. Since we are all human, they are bound to make a mistake. The problem comes when they push back and do not accept the criticism. They will tell you that you are completely wrong in your assessment of the situation.
Let me tell you, I have heard some stunning excuses over the years. How can a person be so confident in the ridiculous excuse coming out of their mouth? My standout excuse is the time that someone explained why they could not come in the day of their presentation due to an emergency and a co-worker had to jump in:
“I have no clean clothes to wear”
Really? …Really? Her laundry machine had broken the week before and she could not come up with any problem solving solutions that would involve clean clothes or repairs. To be clear, she had the financial means to fix any problem. She just could not come up with a solution to this problem. This was a mental gymnastics conversation where she was justifying her do-nothing approach. She did learn about her expectations as a team player from me, and that it is possible to wash your underwear in a sink.
Developing an action plan
There are times where you will need to give feedback in the moment, but feedback with a defensive employee should be one on one. Why? Well this person will vigorously defend their position and you do not need to give a free show to the rest of your employees.
It’s very toxic for the rest of the team watch someone behave this way. They have likely experienced it themselves as co-workers, but they do not need to see how this individual speaks with their leader. No popcorn required at this show!
When at all possible, prepare for conversation with a concrete example of their poor behavior and what your desired outcome is. Plan to sit down with them to chat when you both have some time, this will not be a short conversation with a defensive employee.
Giving feedback to a defensive employee
In the moment conversation
This is how to give critiques to the individual when you are in a group. For instance, when in a team meeting and there are others around and you disagree with them. If you do not choose their idea, they may feel undermined or attacked.
This will not be the time to have a serious conversation with them, but you do need to shut the behavior down in the moment. To do this, do not engage in circular conversations with them that go no where. Keep the meeting on track by assuring them that you will discuss their issue later or “take it offline” (and remember to do it!).
One-on-one feedback
Go in with the frame of mind that most people want to change, they are just resistant to hearing negative feedback.
Try and create a non-threatening environment for them. It may not be in your office, it could be staying late in a conference room after a meeting has finished.
During a performance review
If you have feedback that may be perceived as critical, you may get some push back. Ideally, this behavior should not be a surprise for the employee because you should not save up constructive feedback throughout the year
How to get the defensive employee to listen to the feedback
You are going to have to be rock solid in your convictions when giving feedback to defensive employees. They are going to argue, contradict facts, and point the finger at others.
Be gentle, but stay on message
This person has some issues taking criticism and being vulnerable. They may not hear you the first time, but don’t give up. Keep yourself neutral, don’t react to them if they get angry.
“I feel” or “I’m concerned” messages are your friend so that it is not a direct criticism. They will not like the confrontation, but it is a gentler approach.
“I feel like you have had a short temper lately. I’m concerned because this doesn’t seem like you. Is there something that I can support you with? Anything you need from me?”
If they try to defend and blame, a gentle, “We are here to talk about you, not anyone else. I’m concerned that you are not accepting responsibility for your piece in this.”
The action is the problem, not the person
Come prepared with examples for the staff to understand where things went wrong. Facts are difficult to argue with – but they will try. Keep on message, do not let timelines get blurry, or facts get skewed. If the story starts to get long, keep notes.
It’s easier to back track if their excuses start to contradict. Remember this isn’t a “gotcha” moment from you or a therapy session for them. You don’t need to be right here, what you need is an employee that understands that they have an issue that needs to be addressed.
Persistence is essential
Keep on message, they may need to hear it a few times.
One of the successes I have had when stuck in a loop with someone was to say, “so, what are you going to do if this happens again?” This will give them a bit of an out where they do not have to fully admit that they were wrong.
There are two ways that the employee can respond, both of them will work for you. Option 1: They will do what you expect next time. Option 2: They stick to their guns and say they will behave the same way or make the same choice. At that point you will council them that what they did was not acceptable. You will also issue a letter of counseling that if they repeat the negative behavior or choice, there will be consequences. Guess what? They are listening now. If they do it again, off they go.
Getting an action plan after feedback from the defensive employee
Address each excuse or problem by brainstorming together a way that they can overcome each issue. It signals to them that a) they need to do something and b) their action plan reflects what you said to them, so they need to have heard you in order to come up with an action plan. The conversation is not over until you are satisfied that the action plan reflects what you said the issue is.
Still not getting anywhere because they are in constant denial their behavior is a problem? They may lack self awareness, which is a bit different than being a defensive employee. Read more on how to adjust your approach for an employee that lacks self awareness.
Final steps and an action plan
So, the employee is defensive and not open to criticism. Vulnerability is hard for many people. Check in on the action plan and make sure that you ‘catch them being good’ and let the employee know that you noticed that they are working on improving.
This will take constant vigilance on your part and likely follow up conversations as reminders – but it can be done.