Ever feel like the agony of an argument or upset feelings is way worse in our heads than the actual discussion itself? All the time spent stressing and avoiding this difficult conversation was a complete waste of time. When you acknowledge that difficult decisions cannot be avoided forever and you find the motivation to get them over with, your team can continue to be successful. Here are strategies to motivate yourself to have these difficult conversations and the steps to initiate a conversation with an employee.
The Psychology behind why we avoid difficult conversations
The dread associated with giving unwanted news is a difficult feeling to overcome. As the bearer of unwelcome news, how do you motivate yourself to have difficult discussions with your employees, boss, or peers?
This feeling of avoidance or dread is associated with a perceived negative experience. According to this study, we are hard wired to want to perform pleasant tasks immediately (eat a snack) and delay negative experiences (pay a bill).
An additional note is that the lead up to the negative experience plays a factor as well. Every time you look at that task you are avoiding on your to do list, you are feeling a negative emotion. You keep feeling that negative emotion over and over again until you actually have the difficult conversation.
So, if you are going to feel negative emotions (stress, anxiety, procrastination) you might as well just get this difficult conversation over with!
How to motivate yourself to have difficult discussions
So, every time you see that employee wander in late, you feel the negative weight of your procrastination in having a sit down discussion with that employee.
Your motivation will have to do less with the traditional reward, and more to do with getting rid of the crappy feeling of you avoiding an issue that needs to be addressed.
Here are some strategies to increase your motivation:
You are more in control of your message if you have it sooner rather than later
Recognize that your relationship may actually suffer more if you do not have a conversation sooner rather than later. Why?
Well you are more in control now, then say later when the anger and resentment build up so much that you come off more upset and cannot control your messaging as well.
The person is more likely to become defensive if you come across as blaming them in a conversation and they are less likely to accept or act on the reasons for your conversation in the first place. Not only did you have to experience the build up of dread towards a difficult conversation, there was no benefit gained from it because the person was too upset to listen.
Focus on the positive outcome
Focus on how much nicer it will be to have an employee that comes in on time, delivers their work on time, doesn’t gossip about other employees. Balance out the perceived negative feeling of having the conversation with the actual tangible benefit of a better employee. Essentially, assume that the outcome will be a positive one.
Think to the future
How much would this suck if it was still a problem because I didn’t want to deal with it?
It’s going to be that much worse! Not only does the problem still exist, but you feel terrible because you let it go on for so long and you have been stewing in the negative emotions surrounding the problem and about how long you procrastinated!
Are you motivated now to get the difficult conversation over with once and for all? Good. Now here’s how to start the difficult conversation so that it can have the positive outcome you envisioned.
How to initiate a difficult conversation with an employee
Now that you have strategies to motivate yourself to have difficult discussions, here are the building blocks to initiate the difficult conversation. There is nothing worse than having a difficult conversation that leaves two people upset and nothing resolved.
Read more on how to have a the most difficult conversation there is – with an employee that lacks self awareness.
Step 1: Make sure it is private
Schedule a meeting, but make it about something else as well. If your manager set up a meeting in your calendar with no context you would be stressed too.
Instead, schedule more time than a real meeting will take. Have a meeting with them one on one, and at the end ask them to stay back because there is something else that you need to discuss.
Step 2: Can I speak with you?
It sounds way better than, Can I talk to you. It instantly puts people on guard that something negative is going to happen during this “talk”.
Step 3: The opener – “I feel statements” have value here!
I admit, I always thought of the “I feel statements” as a bit cliche and touchy-feely. I am by nature a very analytical and direct – I just want to matter of fact tell someone what is wrong!
But I wasn’t getting the response I was hoping for, and it wasn’t until I watched a mentor use the “I feel statements” with great success when giving negative feedback that the light bulb went off. People took the information a lot better because it was less of a direct accusation.
It you look at it, the differences between: “Your work is not up to standards” and “I”m feeling like your work is not up to our standards” there is room for the other person to maneuver in this conversation where they do not feel trapped – because there is an opening for dialogue.
Step 4: Speaking of open dialogue – Make sure you listen to their perspective too
A real conversation involves two sets of dialogue. It it is too one sided, it will feel like they are being scolded. Start the conversation by stating what you want to speak with them about, and that you want to her their perspective on this too.
Step 5: To continue the conversation, State the facts – avoid generalizations
To build on initiating difficult conversations, make sure that you have some concrete facts about the issue. Avoid saying, “You always come in late” because they will think of the times that they have come in on time and you clearly do not know what you are talking about!
Instead, focus on the examples that you have, such as the dates and general summary of facts. They cannot argue those, but can perhaps provide some insights when they have specific examples.
Bringing it all together – the formula in action:
“Can I speak with you about something? I feel like you have been having a difficult time meeting deadlines lately. Last week you promised a client that you would send them a slide deck by Tuesday, and they had to reach out to me on Wednesday to get it. Three weeks ago, you missed a milestone on your project by a few days. I would love to get your perspective on this”.
And now the difficult conversation ball is rolling! Just remember, the lead up to a difficult conversation is often worse than the conversation itself. If you get better at initiating difficult conversions you will find the motivation to just get them over with stronger than the feelings of avoidance. Once you see success, your confidence in managing these difficult conversations will increase and you will find yourself less fearful and more productive.