The trope in management is that it is “lonely at the top”. Whether you are an entry level manager or a top executive, you will feel the isolation to some degree. Making and keeping friends when you also lead them has many issues. Here are some of the hidden reasons behind these friendship challenges.
I can recall seeing my upper managers taking ‘working lunches or breaks’ at their desks with a cup of coffee and a lonely Tupperware. I always assumed that it was because they had so much to do that they couldn’t afford to take a proper break.
Now I’m not so sure. What if they simply don’t have anyone that they can go and sit with in the cafeteria or staff break room? As a high school stereotype, it’s better to stay at your desk and eat by yourself than to sit alone and announce to a cafeteria that you don’t have any friends.
There is some strategy about sitting with your direct reports in a communal lunchroom, if available. This is explained further down.
On the surface, it seems obvious that there would be challenges with having friendships as a leader. There are a lot of hidden reasons that previous friendships fizzle out. Or if you are new to the organization, there are other complicating factors as to why you feel lonely or isolated in your role. Read on to find out the different reasons that it is challenging to make and keep friends as a Manager.
Friendships can be seen as favoritism
It’s all optics that people will read in to as they wish. If you got a promotion internally, you will still likely have some friends. These friendships now have to be handled carefully.
People who were passed over for opportunities like leading a project or a favored day off will always come up with reasons for why it is unfair. Don’t make it easier for them by spending all of your time with only certain individuals.
I see this in a counterpart of mine in another department. She worked there for years before ascending the ladder, but she did not modify her friendships. This included not putting them on an information diet.
I always know when she is annoyed with me over a decision in my department that may impact her slightly because her subordinates will give me terse morning greetings for a while. It’s an unprofessional habit that has likely impacted her from continuing up the corporate ladder.
It’s hard to make friends when you are competing for resources
As a manager, you basically have to go across the hierarchical chart to find a friend on the same level. This is the ideal management friendship because they are likely are experiencing the same struggles as you and hold the same amount of power. Check out a previous post here to explain the power dynamics across an organizational chart.
The challenge with this relationship can be that you are competing for the same finite resources. Both of you want the biggest piece of the hypothetical pie and if there is an imbalance in distribution there can be frustration.
It may be hard to complain over coffee about the difficulty in ‘finding efficiencies’ if you are the only department expected to rise to this task.
You may have stepped over someone for your position
If there was a competition for your current position then there is likely someone at the organization that believes that they could do it better than you. This creates a group of dissenters that you probably don’t revel in having a coffee with.
Small talk is all the rage
Unless you both have an unbelievable passion for DIY or crafting your own microbrew, you may not have a lot in common with your coworkers. We are socially conditioned to discuss what we all easily have in common – the workplace.
Even the discussion of children or marriage has to be carefully navigated as a topic of discussion. It’s important to keep appropriate boundaries with your direct reports.
As a manager, you have knowledge that you cannot share yet- if at all. You also have to keep your information generic and professional. This leads to carefully worded responses that can take more work than having a coffee in your office in peace.
Your friends can turn on you
It’s an eventuality that someone you thought you could count on will let you down.
They may have previously been a friend but react poorly to a change that doesn’t benefit them. I know a manager that was gutted by working hard on a schedule that she deemed fair and balanced, and her ‘friend’ going over her head to complain.
She thought she was being kind by giving it more attention than the task warranted, but it still was not enough to keep everyone happy. It’s hard for a manager to be friends with a group and in the back of their mind wonder if they will turn on them if an opportunity presents itself.
See the post, How to Stop Undermining Your Leadership By Being A People Pleasing Manager to find out more details about the dangers of trying too hard to keep everyone happy.
Getting out of your office can be strategic
One of the benefits to getting out of your office and sitting in the cafeteria or break room is to stop the gossip mill.
I have utilized this myself and deliberately sat in the coffee room after a big announcement. It’s reasonable to assume it will be discussed later because you can’t stop it forever.
This dissipates the immediate flurry of chatter and helps to keep the original message intact for a longer period of time before it is dissected by your direct reports. Plus you are immediately available in a less intimidating environment than your office to answer questions.
So, what do I do about this?
Quite simply, it is difficult to navigate friendships at work with your direct reports. There are many reasons why they may fizzle out, but if both people can be mature and compartmentalize, it can be done.
Seek friends outside of your department.
Try to find people that you have something in common with outside of your department. It’s easier to relax and get to know people when they are not direct reports.
Find people with similar positions outside of your Organization
Look for opportunities to network and find people with the same challenges as you to commiserate with. I have a colleague that is an easy text message away. We like to bounce issues off each other.
Last time I sent her a message complaining about a challenge I was having – she responded with a way worse problem. Sometimes a healthy dose of perspective works wonders on your problem solving abilities!
Your fulfilling friendships will need to be outside if your work
Join a club, volunteer, chat with the people at the dog park, whatever! Your friendships where you can be the most authentic will have to come from outside of your workplace.
There are too many existing challenges to have straightforward friendships at work. Be friendly to everyone, but you don’t need to be friends with everyone.